You Don’t Have to Have It All Figured Out — (A Grown Woman’s Guide to Grace, Growth & Letting Go of Unrealistic Expectations)

📍 Patterns + Peas 🫛 | Written by Stacey Quinn

In my 20s, I thought I was doing everything right.

I was engaged. I had a career. I went to college. I had the kind of life that looked good on paper. But beneath the surface, I was carrying the quiet weight of pressure: to have the husband, the house, the kids, the career, the picture-perfect timeline. You know…the “supposed to” life.

So when that relationship ended, a relationship that lasted most of my 20s…I felt like the floor dropped from underneath me. I spiraled into a deep depression. I didn’t just lose a person. I lost the version of life I thought I was building. I thought I had failed.

 

💔 When Things Fall Apart

 

 

No one talks about what it feels like to “start over” when you’re almost 30. Especially when you were doing everything “right.” The heartbreak wasn’t just emotional, it felt spiritual. I questioned my worth, my future, and my purpose.

I kept asking myself:

• Why didn’t it work?
• What now?
• Am I running out of time?

As Black women, we often feel like we have to be strong. That we don’t have time to fall apart. But sis, I did. I had to.

 

🛋 Therapy Was My Lifeline

Eventually, I made the decision to go to therapy, and it was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. I worked with the same therapist for years. It gave me a safe space to unpack grief, fear, guilt, and pressure.

I had to learn that:

• I don’t need to have it all figured out.
• My life doesn’t have to follow anyone else’s timeline.
• I can be enough without being perfect.

I stopped chasing this ideal version of myself, and instead gave myself permission to be real, with all my flaws, changes, pivots, and healing.

 

🧠 You Can’t Be Whole for Anyone Until You’re Whole for Yourself

One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned is that if you’re not truly happy with you, nothing else will feel fulfilling, not a relationship, not a job, not a title.

I had to let go of unrealistic expectations. I had to stop beating myself up for what I thought I should’ve had by a certain age. I had to stop performing for people who didn’t even know the weight I was carrying.

So I started working on me…mind, body, and spirit:

• I went to therapy.
• I worked out to clear my head.
• I read books.
• I stayed busy with things that gave me peace.
• And I gave myself space to grow, without rushing.

 

💼 Starting Over at 39

I started my boutique at 39.

Yup…thirty-nine.

And within the first three years, I cleared over a million dollars in sales. Never in a million years did I imagine that.

Before that, I worked as a certified optician for years. I had a skilled trade. I had the career. I had the degree. But I didn’t have fulfillment. I knew something else was out there for me…and I took a leap. Not because I had it all figured out. But because I finally believed I deserved more.

 

💬 To the Woman in Her 30s Who Feels Behind…

This is for you.

If you’re not married, don’t have kids, don’t love your job, or feel like everyone else is ahead of you…breathe.

You have time.

You’re not late.

You’re not broken.

You’re not lost.

You’re becoming.

And that journey? It matters more than you think.

 

🫛 Give Yourself Grace

Whether you’re 30, 35, 40 or beyond… know this:

You don’t need to have it all figured out.

You just need to show up for yourself.

Every day that you wake up and choose peace, healing, and joy…even if it’s messy…you’re doing better than you think.

🫛

With love,

 Stacey